(Is closeness with God always a matter of commitment?)
By Jim Robbins
““We’re only as needy as our unmet needs.” ”
Mainstream church teaching cautions that it’s up to you to persistently, even compulsively, draw near to God so that connection is maintained. Security is tenuous, so you have to fight for it. One popular megachurch pastor quips, “You’re as close to God as you chose to be.”
So abiding becomes a desperate attempt to keep God in the room.
Commitment isn’t the problem.
What if this isn’t true? What if the problem isn’t your commitment to God? Is it possible to faithfully abide in God yet not feel any closer to him? Sadly, yes.
The reason many of us don’t feel close to God is because our brains learned early-on from our parents, our first caregivers, that loved ones are often inconsistent and unpredictable. Emotional security was never constant.
Our brains grew to expect we’d have to anxiously grasp for connection with those who are most important to us. And all of this goes on beneath our conscious awareness. Our fearful expectations are as natural to us as breathing. We don’t know any other way to relate; especially when we’re distressed.
““If a child grows up with parents who respond inconsistently to their needs, they learn to approach relationships with anxiety. These types of parents are well-intentioned but often fail to tune into their child. When parents are unattuned more often than not, it creates unpredictability for the child.””
What your brain expects
So rather than the myth that says, “You’re only as close to God as you want to be,” it would be better to say, “You’re only as close to God as your brain expects you to be.” So how can our brains heal from early relationships that were inconsistent and undependable? What do we need? We need to be around people that are dependable, consistent and loyal. People that are glad to be with us. Our brains need new experiences of safety and predictability in order to heal.
finding help
If you can’t find these people immediately, counselors and coaches can often begin that process of healing with you. Learning joyful brain skills based in neuroscience will help. Persistence will be your ally here. It will be worth the healing you long for. It will be worth feeling more secure with God. Feeling the connection you already have.